Yippee Online – Now updating more often with less fat! – Minor language is an understatement

Big city pollution and cat allergies with a lack of vacuuming makes nice Jewish doctors think I’m developing asthma, but I’m no normal man. I’m fucking Aiden Renshaw. I’ma kick this asthma bullshit in the cock. I did 200 jumping jacks while watching Inglourious Basterds yesterday. When I say I’ma kick the shit out of Asthma I’m for serious. Because watching Nazi’s die while doing manly stuff like jumping jacks and masturbation ROCKS!

Speaking of nice Jewish doctors: the fucking prep nurse in the E.R. wanted to stick an I.V. in me “just in case”. What the fuck kind of shit is that?! Stick foreign metals in me if I actually need it. That’s like a Judge saying at the beginning of a murder trial “We’re just gonna electrocute you now just in case you’re guilty.”  It may be convenient for you during a dull graveyard shift, but it aint convenient for me… especially if I don’t need it. By the way, I didn’t need it. So, luckily I didn’t have to deal with my allergy to metallics. Yay! I’m allergic to nickle and some shitty golds. It’s awesome looking poor anyway, you don’t get robbed & I’ve been in plenty of positions to be robbed. Being robbed is for the birds.

Vices aren’t agreeing with my swollen throat at the moment so I’m stuck with no cigarettes, no marijuana use and alcohol just irritates my throat. I have a whole 26oz bottle of vodka taunting the shit out of me. You would think it would help, but it does not. Alcohol is supposed to help everything.

Here’s a quick rundown of how the conversation went with the Doctor:

Doctor: Are you a smoker?

Me: Occasionally.

Doctor: Any drugs?

Me: Marijuana every so often.

Doctor: Drinking?

Me: Socially now, a year or so ago I was drinking lots. Lots of partying, great times!

Doctor: You had a problem?

Me: Of course not. Was just having too much fun.

I WAS having too much fun a year and some months ago. I was throwing back alcohol as if it brought world peace. I missed those days, but during the days I missed having money, as all of my income became disposable income and was spent on the glory of the liquor! =D

Anyway I got a prescription for an adrenaline shot “Just incase your throat closes up” is the reason I was given… Fuck… one shot = 105 bucks… So… tempted… too… INJECT…AUUUUGHGHHH!!!!!!! … I’M THE STRONGEST MAN ALIVE!!! ADRENAL GLANDS FOR EVERYONE!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaa!!

Okay. I’ve been a huge Nerf Herder fan for the past couple of years. They’re a pretty rad pop-punk & nerd-rock band. They sing about things that relate to meeeeeeee. Anyway, Recently Parry Gripp, Nerf Herder’s frontman, has been effin’ branching out. He’s done stuff with other nerdcore fellas like MC Lars. And he’s releasing a shit ton of stuff on Youtube. Here’s some super sweet stuff he’s done on Youtube.

Parry Gripp makes G4 a little bit more tolerable. =D

Speghetti Cat just makes me lawl, proper lawl, as well. Out loud.

My cat’s gonna do this when he’s older, augh. Hello water bill. Fuck!

And finally, for the finale. Some folks find this annoying. I find it’s super rad, DO YOU LIKE WAFFLES?!

That’s my ridiculously pitiful caption on Parry Gripp & Nerf Herder. I like this kind of stuff. I think it rocks. I dunno. I’m tired and silly right now. No stars are displayed because I’m gonna give ‘em five anyways.

So yeah, if you’re a returning fan or a new fan of the comic you’ll see that there’s lots of updating going on around here. Yeah trying to get internet munnies. Fuck 9 to 5 jobs! I’m not programmed for that garbage. I don’t mind working but don’t make it so uniform and boring. I need excitement and change. I need new things! But… Not this… EVER!

I’ve been spreading the word of Yippee from coast to coast, bringing in inductees, foolish youth and converted Christians. Changing the world and shitting in bags and burnin’ ‘em! I will NOT spread the word here. Haha, I don’t mean to put down an entire sector of comic artists, but can the majority of this stuff be considered art? Nekkid half animal people is goddamn weird. Sorry. I prefer to watch half naked vampires fool around and romance than half naked foxes and cats and dogs and – god damn it that shit is bizarre. My stuff is bizarre, but that stuff is goddamn beyond where satellites roam. Another realm of existence that I just can’t begin to understand. Anyways, what I’m trying to say with this butchered wall of words is… I don’t want to advertise on a furry comic network. No thanks. I don’t understand and as ignorance tends to dictate. I’m skerd and frightened of the unknown.

Why did I post this? Why not? It’s a blog. Deal with it. <3

I’ve got a serious bone to pick with folks at the god damn grocery store. Any grocery store! Not the employees, though. The employees are cool, sometimes retards… most of the time cashiers are dumb-fuck-wits… Anyway! This fucking rant goes out to those whom are grocery store consumers!

Now, before I start this mother fucker one of my non-existent readers may ask “But why? I’m a grocery store consumer. What have you got against meeeeee?” Nothing, I don’t know you but e-mail me and let’s have e-parties! -Hahaha, I’m awesome at A.D.H.D.- ANYWAY! Every so often I come across a grocery store consumer that’s fucking cool as shit. Saw some kid pissing in pickle jars once. Also babies whom are allowed to roam free. They can be cool. They tend to smash shit, smashing shit tends to be awesome. I once knew this dood who would go at the soft drinks with a razor. He would cut a slit in every single soda bottle in the front row. Immediate mess? No. But as soon as someone grabbed for the bottle the air would flow out of the cut on the side and so would a generous helping of STICKY SODA!!!! Hahahaha, it’s just something to see. I think it’s funnier than pissing in the pickle jars.

So now that we got the rad-motherfucking-grocery-store-consumers out of the way (holy christ that was a mouthful) we can continue onto shit-head grocery store consumers. THIS SHIT IS GETTING BROKEN DOWN! From the moment you walk into the store full of joy and happiness, ready to get some super sweet food that’s gonna be omg tasty to the very moment you leave bitter and pissed off at EVERYONE! Here we go!!

Pulling Into The Parking Lot: Yeah, the shit hits the fan LONG before you even step foot in the grocery store. You can’t even relax on your way to the grocery store. There has to be assholes steppin’ up and actin’ like fools. There you are waiting in the weird intersection where the drive way into the parking lot is treated more like a street, that always threw me off. It’s a property not a street. Anyway. Yeah, you’re waiting there. Wanting to turn left. Waiting for oncoming traffic to reach a lull so you don’t eat steel and fuck up your life and die in a car accident. There is always ONE asshole EVERYDAY who drives too fucking slow and fucks up the whole thing. If that asshole was going five more miles per hour I wouldn’t be waiting five more fucking minutes in this stupid turn. That asshole saw the blinking little hand on the cross walk!! AUGH! Be courteous, mother fucker!

Looking For A Parking Space: All is fair in love and war and parking lots. People say that Hitler was an evil mother fucker, totally agreed. But why didn’t we root through his family tree and continue where Hitler left off murdering himself? THERE MUST BE RELATIVES OF HIS! Spiteful of the Third Reich’s collapse they piss off good capitalist consumers in grocery store parking lots. You know what, fuck that. ANY PARKING LOT! I’m gonna electrify my car’s body and just bump into these assholes. Stalling in the middle of the parking lot like a goddamn dunce rooting through your purse or making sure you have all your groceries… really? WTF are your problems?! Check your goddamn purse before you leave the house or when you grab it in your stupid fucking foreign car and check your expensive sodium and corn products before you fucking leave the store… but wait… I’ll get to that in due time.

If you are in the parking lot you should be doing one or two things. Parking or fucking leaving. NO EXCEPTIONS! Now… These assholes don’t really bother me I just think they’re ridiculous… People who just hang out in parking lots. Do you think these people have shopping agendas? No they’re just hanging out in the parking lot. What the fuck? What about the Planetarium? Park? Arcade? Theater?! Fucking parking lot!? What the shit?!?!?!?!?!?!

Dumb Shit (full name) says: “Hey Retard, let’s go to our stompin’ grounds, our place of recluse. The Wal-Mart parking lot!“
Retard says: “Sounds like the best plan our dumbshit brains can muster! Let’s do it and hoot and hollar everytime someone drops a grocery bag because we should be impaled with spikes!“

Yeah.

Walking To The Grocery Store Entrence: So, I’m gonna be nice here. You never know, some people might have just missed the signs… or the painted concrete… or the speed bumps. Don’t be fucking assholes! Slow down and/or stop at pedestrian crossings. Go ahead and hit me. You’ll get fucked because I had the right-away, mother fucker! This isn’t no-man’s land. THIS IS THE LAW! Get a thrill driving over speed-bumps? Drive off a cliff, the ultimate speed-bump!

If any of you survived the trek from the safety confines of your military grade soccer van to the entrance then you have still not reached the end that is solace! Bigger shit-storms are abound! Proceed with caution!

Awkward stun-cunts leaving the store, for instance. They avoid eye contact because their parents used to beat them or their inner-child has been fucking homicided. They just try and leave without looking at anyone as if they escaped from something terrible and dangerous. I mean… Pay attention? Please? You almost walked into me and if you had run into me your fat ass would have crushed your Twinkies making them shmashkies. That would have been a serious pickle! (HAHAHAHA!)

Here’s a little tip if you’re shopping with someone else. Get a fucking cart! Yeah, your list might be just an apple, milk and kiwis but your asshole friend is a compulsive shopper. “Oh, look at that deal” but you don’t need it. “Wow, I didn’t even know they had these here” Doesn’t mean you need it. “75% off! That is an amazing deal!” Not really, the store is probably still making triple or more what they paid, that just means they’re seriously -fucking- over charging and putting it on sale when it’s about to expire. Yum! Nine dollar Cheese Whiz that’s expiring tomorrow! YEEEAAAAAAH! FUCK!!!

By the time you’re ready to leave the store with your room-mate/ex-friend your basket is so goddamn heavy you arm is cramping and strangely you’re developing an ulcer.

GET A CART! You look like an asshole. That shit gets too heavy and you’re not strong enough. Your face is as red as the McIntosh Apples!

Follies Of The Aisles: Good god, the worst situation that could possibly ever happen in a grocery store is the rare awkward moment where you reach for something that someone else reaches for, at the same time. Wooo, what the fuck do I do? Take it? Yeah, there’s more there for everyone. There’s plenty. There’s hundreds! But you immediately feel bad and so does the other person, sometimes. So you both pull away, then both of you reach for it again cuz you both pulled away. Shit, now this is ridiculously awkward. So much so that my ears are sweating. Fucking nervous. Do the person a favor, just let it go or fucking take it. Butter-fingers Fatty McGee might just drop it anyway. What a waste of chromosomes.
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Holy shit you’re in the cereal aisle and you see a cereal you haven’t had since your childhood, you regress backwards in time, in your mind. Oh, amazing! Simpler times! You know true, innocent happiness once more. You feel like a kid, but then you start budgeting and figuring out if you can afford it. That whole time I’m moving your fucking shopping cart to another aisle. I don’t give a shit who you are or think you are. If your cart is in the way in the middle of the aisle -SIDEWAYS- blocking everything then you’re a huge asshole. I’m betting all traffic jams everywhere are caused by asshole shit-fuckers like you. Traits tend to follow a similar behavior. Your behavior is being a fuck.

The above paragraph also applies to people who stand in the center of the aisle looking at all the food like they’ve never seen so much food before, FUCK OFF! Make a list, buy what’s on the list, get the fuck out of the store. Don’t stunt the cycle of consumerism. Don’t fuck up the system! Who the shit do you think you are? Che Guevara? Got something to prove? Just fuck off, you’re a nobody just like everyone else shopping for spatulas and Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

The Ice Cream Aisle: This one is actually just me bitching because everything else I’ve stated are fucking facts! How come whenever I go to the ice cream aisle, there’s never what I want. It’s like some super villain’s read my mind and got to the store just before I did and bought out all of the ice cream I wanted. That fucking chaffs my boxers

The Long Wait; The Ballad Of The Cashier: Oh great fun can be had at the cashier. Great horrible terrors as well. BREAK DOWN!!

This ever happen to you? I wanted to press this woman’s face against the cash register and have it open. BAM! Broken nose. Fuck you, bitch! Curious? Check this shit out. We’re at the grocery store doing dumbshit errands for other people. Three 9packs of yogurt, make ya shit harder Bran Flakes and salt. Less than 12 items?! To the express we go! Now I’m not sure if I’ll be able to explain this well enough, but here we go. We arrive at the cashier there’s a woman looking at magazines and the kid at the cash looks unoccupied. We pause for a moment to see if this woman was ahead of us. She remained with the magazines -Oh, will Brad and Jenn get back together or do I actually give a fuck?!- She remained yielded at the murdered trees for gossip kiosk. Forward we moved to get our shit paid for. This woman immediately is all “YUP YUP YUP!! I was here!!” Bitch, no you weren’t. You were at the magazines. SHE HASN’T EVEN PAID YET!! Her bags are ready to go!! Fucking-motherfucking-shit!! WHO DOES THIS?!!?! Why the fuck didn’t this chic let munching, gossip magazine reading, red-rag holding, stunned bitch check out the magazines while her items were being processed. Did she stare at the gums and lighters instead?!?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! Was I supposed to witness these events in my life-time? What the hell kind of plan does a deity have that involves craziness like this?! NONE! God is dead and any grocery store is proof of that!

Seriously. She didn’t even buy a magazine. She was asking to be euthanized.

Want to know an awesome tip that may save you some bucks? If you’re down one of your favorite aisles and you see an item that’s placed over a price that seems really low compared to what the product is actually worth, CHA-CHING! You just found a super awesome deal and don’t even know it.

Let’s say the product is Crunchy Peanut Butter and let’s say it’s price is actually 5 dollars. It’s over a price listing that is 2 dollars. You can get away with buying this product for 2 dollars or if your product is over 15 or so dollars you could even get upwards of 10 dollars off your entire purchase. It’s because that product is incorrectly labeled, this is an inconvenience that effects both the store and yourself. If you catch this the store HAS to uphold what is called The Scanning Code of Practice, they don’t want bad word of mouth advertising. If the cashier doesn’t uphold the policy then have them call the manager. If the manager doesn’t then just leave with your items, paid or not. Fuck them.

Don’t believe me? Look it up or just read the Scanning Code of Practice next time you’re in a grocery store. Or any store with cashiers. I’m sure mum and pop stores would throw you out because you’re being a cheap-skate mother fucker. But the big boys care about their frail image, that’s why you can eat corn fed beef in any Wal-Mart McDonalds.

Yum! Corn fed beef. Mmhmm.

In closing I would suggest you not let anyone fuck with you when you’re out shopping. You could carry a taser, bear mace or even a gun. You don’t even have to use these items, just flash them about and scream MOTHER FUCKER!!!! I do. Last week when I was Christmas shopping for myself the cashier asked if I wanted my items bagged I pulled out my gun by accident while I was trying to get my re-useable bag out of my coat pocket and they just let me take everything. Score! Better deal then that fucked up price listing cashier thing. Hell yeah!

Considering this a P. S.A. as well. Srsly.

Occasionally on the internet you’ll want to post a comment or sign up for a service or reply to a message. Sometimes when you desire to do any of these things you are prompted to retype a CAPTCHA image. Their purpose is to weed out all of the Viagra and porn robots. Robots that want you to be entertained or engorged… but I digress.

I came across this captcha image on facebook. Apparently if you decide against verifying your Facebook account via phone or some other ridiculous method you are prompted to retype a captcha image every single time you want to send a message or post on someone’s wall. This is probably not as wicked-crazy as I think it is, but when I had to retype this captcha my mind was blown! BLOWN AWAY!!

Hahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahaaa!!

AMPUTEES ARE IN HALF!!!

Oh gawd, it’s so bad but it’s sooooo good!